Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I did not marry a roomba.
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