I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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