about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
