Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
