We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
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The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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