Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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