I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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