I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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