im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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