Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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