i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
