i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
