the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
