I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
