I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
