I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
