I got chris browned last night
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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