So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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