3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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