yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
