I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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