Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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