Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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