Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
