When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
