I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
