She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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