I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
