I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Randomize
