Since when is my name a synonym for head?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
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Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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