He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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