can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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