I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
whose ass print is on the piano?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
