I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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