Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
