Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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