I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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