So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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