My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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