he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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