just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
