bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
