He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
