Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My vagina just clenched in fear
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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