guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
