Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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