I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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