a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
