You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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