My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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