Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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