I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
