I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
